[ Because there is this part of him that can't help but worry about Clarke, now. How much of that self-destructive behavior is something she'd experienced before? Or if nothing else, is it something she has the potential to fall into, even here? ]
Not sure what to tell you, though. Sometimes the world chews you up and spits you back out.
The Clarke in Zerzura is closer to who I really am. I'll do a lot of dangerous and stupid things for my people.
[There, it had primarily been "for my daughter," but the real Madi had helped Clarke refocus her perspective. For her daughter had to become for her people all over again, all to make it so that she was no longer disappointing the girl she had taken into her care.]
Used to be pretty people-focused myself, which you could probably guess. But when all that effort just ended up putting them and myself in danger, it seemed pretty clear they were better off without me.
[ Less in a suicidal way and more in a fake-your-own-death way, but he doesn't really clarify. ]
[Clarke has flirted with both versions of that, at least to some degree. She didn't fake her death, but she disappeared from society. As for suicidal ideation, as well as trying to carry it out? She has that in spades. She doesn't know which one it is with him.]
If I've learned anything, it's not up to us to decide if we're wanted or not.
[ Given that Jack spent six years avoiding the people he felt he'd wronged, faking his own death so that he could stop influencing and ruining their lives, they aren't going to agree on this. ]
[ Jack's not sure he even wants to entertain this, and he considers not responding at all. But remembering how raw Clarke had been in the Aerie, it doesn't feel right to completely shut her down either. He doesn't like that he's giving into that, but when all it takes to send a message is a thought, it's not as easy to pull back. ]
Not much I can do while I'm here. All the people who were affected are back home, and I still have no idea if I'm going back there. So it's a moot point.
The way I see it, sometimes it's nice to try to live up to someone's expectations of you. The good ones. Even if you can't pull it off. It's nice to try.
[And if they didn't want him to go, that comes with its own set of expectations and beliefs. Clarke thinks she knows herself better than anyone, but that isn't always a good thing. Trying to be someone else is difficult, especially when she fails.
[After reading what she said, Clarke shakes her head at herself. It sounds more like she is just trying to blindly believe in him, rather than simply speaking from experience.
Its definitely the latter.]
That's what I was doing before I got back here. Trying to make amends. Trying to live up to someone who believed in me and gave me and my people a better life.
I did enough bad things that I hide them away here from others. Because the people who see me as an obstacle would use it against me. But I haven't stopped trying.
[It's just that she slips. When she was angry with Rey, she slipped.]
Even though he had seen the worst of me, he thought that I could be the one to lead our people to a better world. He had every reason to look elsewhere, to believe in someone else, and he chose me.
Before that, he had been party to some of my worst actions. [Not mistakes. Because the degree of awful doesn't make it a mistake if it meant her people survived.
Clarke has never regretted trying to live up to what Monty believed of her. It's just that it's harder to do it in practice.] And had every reason to believe I couldn't live up to this challenge. It's not that he was a perfect person. It's that he decided to do better first, and once he did, he stuck by it. He tried to find solutions that no one else would look for.
It's why I need to try. Because I've never been very good at that.
[ It makes sense. When someone who has every reason to not believe in you somehow decides to do so anyway, that's some powerful stuff. The fact that people like Angela and Lena learned the truth about him and what he'd done and chose to forgive him isn't something that Jack's forgotten, even if it's now been almost a year since he saw either of them. ]
It sounds like you're putting everything on your own shoulders, though. Take it from me — that doesn't always end well. For you or the people around you.
I'm not saying don't try. I'm saying that it doesn't need to be just you.
[In reality: it is. If Bellamy is there at her side, it still comes down to her input, her decisions, and her choices. Her people look to her for answers, and have come to expect them by now.]
My friends are there. And he believed in Bellamy, too. So he's there with me.
But Bellamy has a lot less to atone for.
[Which is, needless to say, Clarke Vision about someone else's sins compared to her own.]
[ This all seems like a lot coming from someone who's barely in her twenties (so far as Jack can tell, anyway), and he wonders if all of these terrible things she's claiming she's done are not all that terrible in the grand scheme of things.
It's not something you just go out and ask, though. ]
You sure about that?
[ It's not that he's calling Bellamy into question (he doesn't really know him well enough to say either way), so much as posing that she may be too hard on herself. ]
[Clarke remembers the trip they took together. Bellamy was insistent on leaving, on making sure he set out on his own. She said she'd forgive him there, as if that would be enough.
And later, after she had left him to pick up her pieces, as she believed it was too hard to go back to her people. He tried cuffing her in place to keep her there.
He had been so angry at her for so many things. And Clarke bore it all. He was right to be, time after time.]
I am. It doesn't help that I have a few years on him now. More chances to mess things up.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ The memory is there, somewhere, but it's so fuzzy that it doesn't even register at first. ]
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Lighter.
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Younger?
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I know I'm not supposed to ask about how you got from there to here, but with the Aerie and all, it's getting kind of hard to mind my business.
[This is also because she's Clarke, and Clarke isn't good at minding her business.]
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Fake or not, it sticks with you.
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[ Because there is this part of him that can't help but worry about Clarke, now. How much of that self-destructive behavior is something she'd experienced before? Or if nothing else, is it something she has the potential to fall into, even here? ]
Not sure what to tell you, though. Sometimes the world chews you up and spits you back out.
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The Clarke in Zerzura is closer to who I really am. I'll do a lot of dangerous and stupid things for my people.
[There, it had primarily been "for my daughter," but the real Madi had helped Clarke refocus her perspective. For her daughter had to become for her people all over again, all to make it so that she was no longer disappointing the girl she had taken into her care.]
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[ Less in a suicidal way and more in a fake-your-own-death way, but he doesn't really clarify. ]
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If I've learned anything, it's not up to us to decide if we're wanted or not.
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[ Given that Jack spent six years avoiding the people he felt he'd wronged, faking his own death so that he could stop influencing and ruining their lives, they aren't going to agree on this. ]
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[High on the list of things that irritate Clarke: someone shutting her down when she's trying to have a Moment with them.]
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Not much I can do while I'm here. All the people who were affected are back home, and I still have no idea if I'm going back there. So it's a moot point.
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[And if they didn't want him to go, that comes with its own set of expectations and beliefs. Clarke thinks she knows herself better than anyone, but that isn't always a good thing. Trying to be someone else is difficult, especially when she fails.
And she fails a lot.]
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1/2
And sometimes that just begins with doing it.
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Its definitely the latter.]
That's what I was doing before I got back here. Trying to make amends. Trying to live up to someone who believed in me and gave me and my people a better life.
I did enough bad things that I hide them away here from others. Because the people who see me as an obstacle would use it against me. But I haven't stopped trying.
[It's just that she slips. When she was angry with Rey, she slipped.]
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What made you decide that this one person's expectations were the ones to live up to?
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Before that, he had been party to some of my worst actions. [Not mistakes. Because the degree of awful doesn't make it a mistake if it meant her people survived.
Clarke has never regretted trying to live up to what Monty believed of her. It's just that it's harder to do it in practice.] And had every reason to believe I couldn't live up to this challenge. It's not that he was a perfect person. It's that he decided to do better first, and once he did, he stuck by it. He tried to find solutions that no one else would look for.
It's why I need to try. Because I've never been very good at that.
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It sounds like you're putting everything on your own shoulders, though. Take it from me — that doesn't always end well. For you or the people around you.
I'm not saying don't try. I'm saying that it doesn't need to be just you.
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[In reality: it is. If Bellamy is there at her side, it still comes down to her input, her decisions, and her choices. Her people look to her for answers, and have come to expect them by now.]
My friends are there. And he believed in Bellamy, too. So he's there with me.
But Bellamy has a lot less to atone for.
[Which is, needless to say, Clarke Vision about someone else's sins compared to her own.]
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It's not something you just go out and ask, though. ]
You sure about that?
[ It's not that he's calling Bellamy into question (he doesn't really know him well enough to say either way), so much as posing that she may be too hard on herself. ]
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And later, after she had left him to pick up her pieces, as she believed it was too hard to go back to her people. He tried cuffing her in place to keep her there.
He had been so angry at her for so many things. And Clarke bore it all. He was right to be, time after time.]
I am. It doesn't help that I have a few years on him now. More chances to mess things up.
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